day 178

Today was my first day on the countdown. Today i called in sick to get homework done and to finish moving my stuff out of the ex's house. I got homework done and a few things moved but there is still stuff there. today i was stupid and i let my emotions get to me because of a mis understandment me and him made about helping me move my stuff. i thought he said he would help me tonight but when i texted him he said he had company (i am proud of him b/c i asked him to not tell me who or what he was doing) anyways that hurt be because last night and many times before he said i am his best friend and if i needed him at all he was there. well, doesnt seem like it. o well so i got over that.. i added a bunch of guys on facebook  and i want to find some guy to just talk to. well that is what i am confused about because inside i really do not want to. any how its here day 60 is over i am going to bed alone...

Intro (how it happend)

This will be a brief intro,
it started with me meeting him and being friends well at the time i moved in with him (way to soon) but my friend lived there as well. So we were jsut living as friends, then he told me one night as i did him that we had feelings for eachother and didnt want to hide them. We made it official we were boydfriend/girlfriend i met his family (who is all so amazing) I got attached to his children, my son loves him everything was going so well. When reality sank in we both felt we had to back off a little. we talked and were back on the same page. we continued to have fun being a couple and hang out with our friends and family. Then he started acting... oh you can say distanced. it botherd me but i went on with life. during this time i mind you i am gaining feeling for this person and was taking his word that he was with me as well. i thought i was doing really well i was helping him with children his stress and paying him rent. i dont bring this stuff out to throw it in his face but in doing all this i was ok i loved his children i loved talking with him about his problems and when they got better i liked to think it was a little of me helping him. i admit hear that i am not perfect as im sure we all know, but i beleive i started to push him away. i think now that i let him do too much while we were partying with our friends but at least i was there and he was not hiding anything from me and because of this he did what he did. the reason i let him do so much is because of his long term relationship that he was in i felt as though he needed space and some fun. i used to say 'at least he is comming home with me'. i know now that i shouldnt have done that because if he loved me as much as he said he did he wouldnt do anything with anyone in the first place.ok so we had this partyque  thing anyhow our friends and his family were there well all night i would catch them (him and this girl who came later in the night) flirting no big deal right everyone flirts when they are drunk. well they would hide it as soon as i seen them they would split. he was missing so i went looking for him i seen him on the tramp thought he was passed out i got closer she was there basically sitting on him just talking.. i left i smoked i quit drinking i went into the house, went to throw garbage away in the garage and there they were and they split i went back in and 2 sec later i went back out and again they split. so whatev i went to go lay down well i got up and again they were outside 'talking'. as the night went on i ended back in the garage smoking someone come out and asked where this girl was i didnt think much of it then 20 min later they come back out still looking for her i was like where is he? so i went to walk inside to find him my friend blocked me i pushed aside her and pounded on the bathroom door and i heard someone drop from the counter buckles and zippers i told the girl they were looking for her i left the house pissed i was driving and decided to turn around just in case i was over exaggerating. i get home and everyone is leaving and the guys were standing in the driveway and i walked up to him asked him if i was over exaggerating he said i cant tell you shit jo and ya went inside bawled. then i calmed down to talk to him we talk everything was fine. we did somethings that night and all i could think about was her. i would walk into the bathroom look in the mirror and see her. then days go on we talk more decide im going to move downstairs and we were going to date eachother but still see other people i wasnt happy with that but i did not want to loose him as a friend so i agree. we made one promise not bring it home well the kids his kids tell me she has been going there while im at work. so ya hurt again. i finally decide that i cant handle the fact that i keep hurting. i decide to leave.
why did i let myself get like this? why did i let him in my heart? i know he is a good person and i know he meant no harm but there was and is. it is still hard to accept the fact he is seeing this gir (which i beleive was engaged) now if it were several different girls that it would be diff. i worry about him because i have a feeling she is a person who jusmps into things to quikly gets bored then off she goes. i dont want him to get hurt he already has so much hurt going on right now. i finally accepted the facts and i want to be just his friend. i worry though cause i get upset by little things like when he dont text me back or when he dont return my calls or stuff like that. it might seem as though i do it to much but if he would just answer me in the first place i would be fine. it still makes me literally sick to think he has this girl to replace me. ( i havent ate in 10days) i cant help it either i am starving but when i go to eat i just cant and when i do i get sick. it also seems as though i have got some crazy bipolar or something because, one min im fine the next im not. ohh what do i do i pray everytime i need to.  well i think i will leave it as that for my poor me intro...

p.s. sleeping alone sucks...